Toot…

I’ve been thinking of what to name this entry, and I can only come up with the above. I guess My Life So Far is a rather inappropriate title - my life hasn’t gone that far, but i reckon My Life So Near sounds rather weird and My Life So Short… let’s just say I consider any number less than 3 digits would be a premature departure from this world.

I reckon it’s inevitable that I feel like this, wondering if I’ve lived my life as I like to over the years. I think I’m more of a glass-is-half-empty person. I get depressed over the mistakes I have made in my life, sometimes. I try to view the world logically, methodically and mathematically, but I guess part of growing up, for me, is to learn that not everything can quantized, and the future is uncertain. Life is more like a compromise, and I have to learn to give and take, in order to reach a comfort zone. But I also like to believe that there is always room for improvements.

My mother mentioned that I was born prematurely, about 2 or 3 weeks early, in a breech birth. Doctor suggested a Caesarean section to be performed due to the risks involved, but I was safely born without operation, perhaps due to my low birth weight and size. Mom never forgets to say that my size was comparable to that of little kitten… Some studies have shown a direct link in between an increased birth weight and an increased IQ. Does explain why I am so toot, doesn’t it?

When I think back when I was 5 or 10, I used to think that my cousin, who is 10 years tolder than me, is so much more older than me. I sure thought that my parents were much much older than me. But when was already 10 and 12 when 2 of my cousins were born. I watched them grow up. I still think that they are THAT much younger than I am. But the fact is, I’m not that much older than they are, and in a few years time, they will be as old as I am now.

The funny thing about life is nearly everybody thinks that they are the smartest people in the room, even if they never admit it. The fact is, however, we aren’t really that smart and we are pretty much ignorant about a lot of things. We expect that our parents know a lot, especially when their age is like the nth multiple of ours. But when we reach a certain age, we realise that the number n is so small, and we might start to think that they don’t know much, that they are not up-to-date and ignorant in this fast changing world. The truth is, there’s always something we can learn from our parents, as we have done so throughout our whole lives.

Couple of days ago, my cousin asked me, what do I want to do in my life? Not an easy question to answer, I think. Thinking back just a few years ago, I am surprised that so many things have changed. And I’m surprised that so many things remained the same also. A few years seems to be short, but it is still a large percentage of my life. A lot can happen in a few years. One can get rich, one can loose everything. One can fall in love, one can fall out of love. One can loose one’s life, but it’s not really likely that one be suddenly come back from the dead. Heh.

6 years of primary school and 5 years of secondary school, whenever I think of it now, still feel like huge part of my life. Now that I’m in a 4 years bachelor’s degree course, I’m supposed to feel that it’s long also, right? But last year seems to have past by in a blink of an eye. This semester, however, seems to be so long! I can’t really believe that I’ve been back here for less than 3 months. It seems much much longer. I want to go back home.

What do I want to achieve in my life? Have I even achieved anything in my life worth mentioning? Am I even a person worth knowing? Heh…